Saturday, March 26, 2005
this feelin just won't go away... i really am depressed and pissed, both feelings mixed and stuck in my left brain right now... the fun i had ytd was on the upper end of the balance scale...
band today. i always love band since i improved kinda drastically. but now with kun won back again, psychologically and subconsciously, the 'bad' memories came back or sth.. the mental block is present again.. i play like utter shit.. my g flat is shit, my pitching of notes above C is shit as well.. its like i've turned into a perfectionisto even b4 i can play the song well... i tink my playing sucks now for some reason, i just hate it, i cant play running notes correctly consistently, nor my practiced parts came out well.. and after the departure of songyo, kunwon took the section but was made up with unexpected responses..
kun won is musically talented. it dusen take a genius to know that.. he conducts real well in my opinion and with the expression as well.. somehow terence and ivan just kept laffing while he was conducting and blasted the song at the legato parts and were laffing at the accented part.. i'm just damn pissed at them wasting constructive time and not being serious and so i kinda pmsed or sth.. i'm just damn tired and depressed abt my playing la...
so i went to VE at 9.30... gosh, we're learning a new song and i was supposed to sing with the sopranoes cos we are kinda split again... then the tenors were singing their part and they sound dreadful... the tone and everything, they were just screaming off pitch.. darrell was singing with them cos he was damn bored and he actually sounded better than them.. the bass sound bad also.. for some reason everyone was off-form la.. the sops are too soft due to their low-falsetto note and one sec 1 kept asking me to sing in falsetto when darrell asked me to sing in real voice... then i heck and dint sing much la...
then the worst thing happen.. the sec 1s, being stupid and irritating and attn seeking, played with rubber bands and weren't listening to mr yong at all lor... then its like their playfulness is intolerable, even towards mr. yong and he couldnt take it anymore.. he slammed the piano, said byebye and walked out of the room and slammed the door.. then darrell cant persuade him to return...
he's like damn tired and annoyed by our bai lei choir... i hate to say this, but i tink
we shld just disband. i wonder how many people will rejoice by this wonderful scenario but haii, look at it, i'd rather just sing with a few people that can sing, than going to a place where not all can sing, not all can behave and the teacher i/c doesn't give constructive advice to the students? its like after band (which turned out pretty bad), now this.
then another wave struck me hard... real hard and badly... after ve, ms siew, darrell, pinyan jianyi and i were at the piano and singing and talking la... then ms siew said that the VE perf was better than any performances in humans nite, even voices.. then i sorta argued politely with her and all, but she was insistent. nvrmind... then she suddenly just said to everyone that I keep thinking that i sing very well but in actual fact i sing very badly... then i was damn taken aback.. then pinyan said aloud 'i also think you sing very lan'... and jianyi and darrell were just there keeping quiet. prolly they agree with siewyp too thus they dint stand up for me. i would stand up to darrell or jianyi if siewyp says that they sound bad... no questions at all.. but they dint.. mayb everyone thinks i sing like crap... but how can i live in the fantasy that i sound good? are they jealous or isit true?
siewyp says i use the wrong technique to sing and sound damn bad... and she keeps asking me to use
her technique... mr yong teaches me another technique and all... wat throat opening and all.. i seriously dont give a freaking damn... watever i do, i am just bad at it ok? jianyi prolly thinks the same thing too... darrell at least says it superficially that i sound not that bad even tho he might think otherwise but bahh, i trust darrell. if i am using the wrong technique, why doesn't mr yong correct me? i aint tone deaf, and sometimes my tone sound strained shld i attempt to hit the higher notes that other tenors can reach? i really dun get it at all...
yup, jianyi's tarot has told me that i shldnt be so ego... i dint say that i sing well in front of miss siew have i? i dun believe how can she actually say that... its like letting a bitch pierce my heart and my safety kit aint there for me...
i love music. i love singing. singing is my life, my passion. i work hard for it, i research on singing at times, i listen to songs and sing with it... some people say that i sound nice, some don't. i can accept that fact.but constantly saying that my passion, my life, my singing is bad, is really nailing me to a dead end... i believe so much in my singing, despite whether people likes it or not... i can singer higher than most people, and i can sing on pitch, that makes my singing above average. people just dun get it... more than half of the world or even 70% is tone deaf... i am one of that special category that can sing relatively well.. i know that... i love my singing when i sound nice.. i hate my singing sometimes too.. pple like shengheng or sean says my singing sucks, i dun mind at all cos either they dun mean it or they just wanna make me angry or they're just annoyed by my non stop radio...
wat i can't take is that there are people in this world that keeps harping on the point that i can't sing, i sound like shit/constipated/cow and my voice sucks and they mean it to spite me cos they're jealous or cos they think they sound great and wanna push me down and all.. it's just very weird and very hard for me to take that.. like the e.g. of siewyp today, i am really depressed la... cos i like my singing and i know i can sing quite well cos its my passion and its wat i do... but now i really doubt it myself.. i really do not want to give myself false hopes anymore..
e.g. terence is damn zai in eupho and he knows it himself... wat if one day kunwon or ivan just tells him that he uses the wrong technique to play the eupho and he sounds sucky? and they keep harping on the fact that he aint made out to be a eupho player? and asks him not to play pieces of higher standards and dun tink that he's very qiang even tho he played the solo SYF? i am sure terence will be damn depressed and broken hearted... all his work in the solo, his excitement and anxiety over it, over the past 2 yrs, he've been working so hard and all aint appreciated one bit.. he's prolly feel the same way...
or mayb to kun won that his piano playing sucks, and asks him not to practice cos its of no use.. there's no need for another maksim and all... and tell him to stop acting as if he's damn pro cos he isn't and everything... but the fact is that he plays the piano damn well! and he knows that himself! so if i do ever say that kind of crap to him, its either cos i am jealous or crazy or watever...
my point is that nvr criticise wat one does best... it really hurts alot... imagine the hurt jeffrey will suffer shld i say jeffrey's high marks for chinese summary is just tyco and suggest that he prolly slept with yangwz to get that kind of marks.. or if i say that sua dont deserve his top student award cos he got less exemptions than me last yr and also tells him not to listen to songs cos he cant sing them well anywayy.. imagine how depressed he'll feel if i actually said it due to my jealousy?
wonder how jianyi will take it if i tell him to stop thinking that he's damn zai in singing in bass section cos hewlett can do much better and that his tone sucks and his technique is so wrong until he sound throaty and strained? or how i shut jeffrey up when he's singing the christie accending notes for phantom that he sounds airy and sucky and shld in now way, sing that part anymore cos its just painful to the ear just because i think i can do better than them?
i tink it'll be a whole lot of hell to handle those kindof criticism - the feeling of being pushed down and criticisied by something I think I do well in. yea, that feeling just won't go away...
bahh that's like damn sad cos i dun really make sense.. hope the following with make me happier.. my outing wif ash, jy and yam ytd...
met ash at HMV at 12.30 then he went for lunch and we went to plaza sing to get my serviced motorla e398.. turned out to be problem with the charger and it's replaced now... yay! then after we met up with jy and went back to cine to play arcade games while waiting for yam..
haha arcade is quite fun la.. but i dint get to play marvel VS capcom.. its damn fun, esp when i played with sean last last last week or sth haha... then we waited for yam and he arrived just in time before swing gals started at 3.25pm...
so we watched the show la.. its damn nice and funny lor.. not at all disappointed.. the ending of the show is damn similar to 'voices' but i tink its damn worth to watch cos its damn musical and funny...
and yam had a nosebleed lookin at the gals.. jkjk..
oh ya Jy bought the one ring from LOTR.. very cool and shiny, haha but dusen really look good on him cos its too shiny.. =P..
then after that i went to my mother side grandma hse to play with my cousins and all... and my younger and older cousin accompanied to giants supermarket to buy the thumbdrive on offer - 64.90 for a 512mb one.. so buy for my mom and we passed by this weighing machine thing and tried our weight and fortune on it...
1st try we followed the instructions (to step on the scale till the wheel stops and slot the coin in) but dint work.. so my cousin stepped down and i step on the scale with one leg and the machine generated the paper out saying 27.5 kg.. then 2nd time none of us stepped onto the scale cos we are afraid of wat happened in the first time so i told him to slot the coin in first and once he slotted it in, the machine generated a 0kg and we laffed like mad.. so third time we learnt our lesson and i got 44.5kg haha with fortune that tells me to accept advice from those higher above me... damn crappy la...
oh ya i injured my leg muscle at the fitness corner damn pain haha... then we return to watch AI and survivor...carrie dint get voted out yay! and so happy that mikalah was out cos she really dint sing that well... i tink constatine is like the america's sylvester liddat.. so ugly and sing so badly still can win over such massive population of stupid and deaf voters... so sad...
then stef rocks so much in survivor cos in the reward challenge they had to shoot 8 targets down and stef shot four for her tribe lor.. all her shots she shot the target and won the reward for ulong.. but sigh.. ulong was in tribal council again and i'm so happy that bobby jon switched vote to vote out james the jew.. yay!!! but damn miserable lor from 9 to 3 pple.. damn demoralising...
then wat happened today i've already wrote abt it so shant say more.. me damn tired and depressed now... needa find someone to talk to.. =(
Signing off,
KX
3/26/2005 11:32:00 AM
