Monday, February 07, 2005
I feel so much like crying now.. I seriously feel so lost.. Dunno if i want jianyi to forgive more or to change my mindset abt what's happening now... It's like a whirl.. All of us are stuck in this whirlwind... Things are at a standstill, yearning for a turning point to make life different. Is this a test for our currently omnipresent friendship? I wonder... Is this a test on how supportive I am as a friend? I guess I failed it... I can never be a true friend... I can be a relatively good entertainer and company.. But when people want to confide in me, think again.. With jeffrey, I leaked secrets. With jianyi, I hurt his feelings. I really am confused and disappointment in my weakness in the friendship aspect. I want to have good friends but are they there for me when I need them? Are my current company even called my good friends? Should I take a risk, take a chance, make a change and blend into a new environment? Should I call Sean to confide and cry out loud? Should I call jianyi and make him more pissed? Should I call unemotive Sua and Jeffrey so they can laff at my woes and sorrows? I really don't know...
I know its all my fault.. Like I am murdering everyone around me.. In the homepage of my blog, u can see all my 'targets'.. They are going to be killed by me soon... Soon enough... I will unwillingly hurt them one by one... Spiritually that is...
Am I really that likeable as I think I am? that popular? that fun to be with? all the qualities of a good friend? i guess not...
I truthfully do not know why I am writing this, its just an outpour of my hidden feelings... Jianyi won't respond when he reads it. He doesn't care anyway...
Others will see this as crap and dun give a fucking damn... I just sweared sorry... But i am so frikin pissed right now...
I need pills to soothe me.. I hope tmr's outing with siti and salima turns out well.. I am lost.. I have no one to fall back on... No one to rely on...
Sorry if i sound real depressed, cos that's prolly I am... CNY is 2 days later i dun feel anything at all... ben's party sorta lifts me a lil... but depressional gravity pulls it down again..
there r lots of things in life to look forward to... even more so of those things for us to reflect back on and be sorry for ourselves...
but then again, I wasn't really livin.. I never lived, I never lived, before your love.
2/07/2005 11:21:00 PM