Monday, September 13, 2004
Reflections of my current position in my secondary school life:
1. Maturity and development: This is a huge problem in my life. Real huge and it might and definitely will affect my sociability and 'likeability/popularity". Firstly, I reflected on, which I already know that one of the factors that people make friends wif mi and like me is because I am more sociable and my seemingly 'cute' personality attracts people to be friends with me and therefore making me 'popular' by taking snapshots and sharing them with one another. For my size right now, it's alright to be act cute or attention seeking but people have to grow up don't they? I just cannot be a wilful sissy all the time rite? I mean, yes, its good to be bright and cheerful and stuff, but as time goes on, these things have to stop don't they? And what I can do right now is to attempt to stop being a kid anymore and try to at least be more mature in my thinking and physical development. I ain't going to be called a sissy or bitch anymore, and I won't have any names for people to mock at. I will be just Khee Xuan - bright and friendly like I was in primary school. And I aim to do all this by adjusting my daily routine of weekly exercises to daily exercises : To star jump everyday, crunches everyday and play badminton every week. In addition in the pimple problem of my face, I will eat a fruit every day after dinner to maintain a healthy diet to replenish the vitamins lost for not eating veges. Ensuring physical development of cos is important so that I won't be the short Khee Xuan anymore. I noe that these may sound crappy but I am sure it will work somehow with consistency.
2.Sociability: To help maintain friendships with people, I must have my own policy to follow in school and in the public. My new motto would be, 'Smile more, talk less and restrain from singing.' That certainly will appease alot of classmates esp. yufeng and shengwei and hurwitz and other ta bor frenz that infatuates on these pple... And by smiling more, I can be more optimistic and bright, like wad pple like Mel Wan said to mi that I was more cute when i was sec one and looks depressed this yr. I oso have to work alot more on encouraginr pple then mocking them as by mocking I will get more enemies than friends in a sense so I must definitely work on that.
3. Homework and exams: Exams are drawing here, everyone is so stressed cos term 4 will going to be hell... But I mean, Jap oral this saturday and EOY exam two weeks later, why must I work so hard for? Why must I even study and 'mug' to get good grades? Like wad yufeng and shengwei said, 'the point of studying in sec 2 is to get into sec 3. nothing else matters.' For people like Jianyang, he fulfils all the needs of progressing into the next level. What's the use of getting 1.6MSG if pple will just sae 'GEPer' or 'MUGger' if u have better results? Isit worth it? For one matter, my parents don't realli care, they expect this of mi and said that if this was my best, maintain it. Don't they empathise with my efforts put in at all, the happiest person to know that I had 1.6MSg this term and 3rd in class like always last term is me and only. No one cares, unless any of my blog readers have a crush on me or sth. *WiNkS. But does piaing and mugging matter? I really don't see the need to push myself that hard that soon yet. I am tired, I am so tiredm fustrated and exhausted with all the stress? Why can't I be as stupid as some people and still get to sec 3? Must i go the mugging way? Must I compete wif yong lin and zheng hang and possibly lerong? Why can't I just compete with taiboon, yufeng, sheng wei, sua yu and marcus instead? They aren't stereotyped as GEPers nor nerds, yet they still get quite gd results. There's no need for good results right? Especially if u have no interest in the subject.
Like japanese. i mean, I am going down from A1 enthu student, to a A2 slp in class for 5 mins during lessons student to a B3 never hand up compos student. I have gone down so low that even people from Clementi Town are my competitors alreadi. Why? It's because I have absolutely no more interest in going by 156 bus that takes 30 mins from school to MOELC centre and 30 mins from the centre back home. In fact, it has been such a chore that I have thoughts of quitting it. That will mean 2 things: I wun be able to hang out wif Marcus, Sheng wei and yufeng anymore at J8 and I have to face my mom to approach her about this matter. I subtlely approach her on the car today and she was like persistent for mi to carry on no matter how bad my grades are, but why bother to force if one have no interest? Am i going to be a slacker like how i wasted my p4 and p5 life? Can't I have a say for myself for once? Next year is going to be stresser and there will definitely be more things to quit and stuff and together with the 5 day week, band 4hrs indoor n 2hrs outdoor + VE 2 hrs are going to kill mi in the weekdays. Together wif 3rd lang, I realli do not know how to cope. It's like I feel so lost and have nowhere to go. It's suffering or hell. I have to make a choice. I can't cos I don't have the power to.
4. Friends and trust: Next year will definitely be an overwhelming year, friendships are sure to be weaken. Most likely I will be separated from pple like kun won, marcus, jianyi, taiboon, sua yu and yufeng next year and I am going to miss them. I mean, even though we can still meet online, I am still sad about the fact that we won't be in the same class anymore. I actualli have someway a feeling wif this class ever since humans nite and stuff, this class is actualli the best class I could be in rather than in 2N and 2O for some reason and departure sure will be sad. Once pple like sua yu, jianyi, darrell and taiboon have new friends, they won't really care less about me, like they care alot now, but the most we will go is 'hi' when we meet each other in school and nth else. For Marcus, hopefully we can still keep close contact like we always do in 3rd lang and MSN and I am really happy and fortunate to be quite good friend wif him at this period in time. And for yufeng and shengwei, they are more than happy to be separated from me and my singing. They will forever just find me as a doll and the possibility of quitting Jap will further broaden our friendship gap, if there is actually one right now.
And today, for some reason, I am actually sad that it rained in the morning. I somehow missed the days when I was reluctant to go to the bandrm for flag raising but reminiscencing all the memories in the band rm today, when the sec 4s were still present at that time, Daniel and Alfred playing french horn, Mong and his tenor saxa and threats to burn scores and Haoquan and I niaoing each other during band prac, I mean everything is all imprinted in my mind like paper and ink that I will never forget. All the memories just flood in, esp. the band farewell, when I realised I missed Daniel and the sec 4s so much and they are just like my elder brothers which I longed to have since young and I truly love them like brothers from the botton of my heart. The band camp and everything. But after tmr, the band rm will be demolished and rebuild into a inanimate science lab so I really do treasure these moments. True, i told khaiboon that the band rm was the venue of the memories but not the memories but now I finally could empathise with him. If there was someone I can never forget, it would be the sec 4s and their company together wif sean. It's an everlasting memory... But next, my band frenz and stuff.. Kun Won, supposingly being the SL and QM next yr, will definitely have no time to accompany me and tell lame jokes to mi and stuff and he will have a world of his own once separated into diff. classes and we wun be that close anymore and I will feel very lonely once more. With the departure of terence and khaiboon, things will definitely get worse... And also, my best friend sean and rujun, being major and welfare officer (predicted) expectedly will also have to take care of band affairs and we wun be able to go to coro and have lunch happily and tok and niao each other like we do now.. Everything is going to be different once all my good friends are involved in the band EXco, and I will always be the one extra and things wun go rite for me in band anymore.. Its like the future isnt as bright as it was meant to be.. I realli feel sucky and lost. :(
5 Insensitivity: I noe that I am 'insensitive' to people's feelings most of the time, and people can't trust me as I somehow happen to 'leak' secrets, so I must earn back trusts from people and keep secrets stuck in my mouth. Also, I have absolutely no idea when I ain't censoring this cos I noe who reads this blog but I really do have to voice out an issue about insensitivity. Let me make this issue into a story instead:
There was once 2 boys. One named John and one named Kenny. John and Kenny were good friends since young and John shared his secrets with Kenny because he trusted him. Once, John did not complete his homework and lied to the teacher that he forgot to do it. Everyone in the class knows that John, being a com. addict did not do his homework because he was busy playing computer games and didn't bother to do his homework but all kept quiet. Then, John told Kenny the fact that he chose com. games over homework and being a person with conscience, he told the class monitor, who was also his good friend. The class monitor told the teacher and the teacher scolded John in front of the whole class and embarrased John.
The next day, John ignored Kenny as he thought that Kenny had betrayed him and found him insensitive. Eventually things resolved after a few talks and Kenny and John were good friends again. However, John made use of the incident and kept calling Kenny insensitive and kept insulting him back. There was once before lessons when other 'friends' of Kenny kept making fun of Kenny's missing front tooth. This time, John came and joined the company and poked fun shamelessly at Kenny who was all alone staring at the people he called friends laughing at him. He was vulnerable and was a minority in that situation. He couldn't possibly have stood up and insulted them back or else John would call him insensitive again. But in this scenario, wasnt John insensitive as well? Isnt this yet another case of the pot calling the kettle black? Why for some reason can John insult Kenny but not the other way round? Why should John have the upper hand? Is it even Kenny's fault that his conscience made him 'leaked' the secret, which was already known to the whole class? Why must Kenny succumb to John's thoughts of insensitivity. Does insensitivity equate to people insulting one and not one insulting others? Doesnt this proverb, 'do not to others what you do not want others to do to you?' I mean, why must Kenny be pushed on to the limits where he was the only one standing against the rest and stay 'sensitive' to John? Is this even fair? Put yourself in Kenny's shoes and empathise...
Signing off,
KX
9/13/2004 07:34:00 PM
