Tuesday, August 10, 2004
I am going to start a new book:
"Guide to Surviving Khee Xuan: The DOs and DON'Ts to Annoy Him and Vice Versa"
Foreword: This is a book to survive the unassuming boy called Khee Xuan. Small as he might be, this dude is venomous as a snake and crafty as a snake, slithery like a snake. In other words, this boy is a snake. Minus the scales and the hissy tongue. That belongs to leefy. Now resist your urge to tell any teacher about that. Sit down, cross your legs. Relax. That's the cure to survive anything, especially Khee Xuan. This book is the most wonderful and interesting book you will ever read in your life. A different change from books like "Queen Bee and Wannabes", "10 steps to make your boy/girl friend like you" and so on. This is
Surviving Khee Xuan: The crappiest treasure you'll ever find in this century, it tells you all you need to know the survive
Khee Xuan, when to approach or avoid him, and learn how to
ANNOY him and be angry at him when it's his turn to
ANNOY you! So sit back, have a cup of hot chocolate and double cream-layered Oreos beside your couch/bed and read this wonderful and interesting book. Note: CD enclosed. 13 tracks of wonderful songs sung by "Khee Xuan". Autographed lyrics book enclosed as well.
Chapter 1: Khee Xuan - He, him, himself: Part 1
DO NOT bother about his age
(13), gender
(Male), sexual orientation
(Not crooked = straight), school he is studying , favourite hobbies
(Sleeping and watching TV), favourite food
(Junk), favourite drinks
(Soft), best friends as of 2004
(long list: Santa claus, cai shen ye, Bobby my un-cottonised huggy dog murdered in the washing machines..) , favourite colour
(Mr. blue and Mrs. yellow and their baby), favourite books
(The green polka dot piggy bank by Enid Blyton), favourite subjects
(Health Education) and other irrelevant stuff.
DO bother about his personal life and personality, cos it is ever changing. And yes, his euphonium. Something that he's never proud of - cos he suck in it. Believe it or not, he claims that he is the worst player in the sec 2 batch in band. "I am the worst player in the sec 2 batch in band." - Khee Xuan
"Khee Xuan is the worst player in the sec 2 batch in band." - Anonymous X
DO NOT talk to him about the latest and oldest music or else he will
NOT stop singing it. From Bee Gees to Barry Manilow to Celine Dion to American Idol, he just knows about it. And he sings it. Badly. Screech. Ouch. He claims that he sings well and nicely, but that ain't true. That's the only thing he have left for his own self-esteem. His record of non-stop singing was 1 hour. Think that's fine? See if you can withstand 5 minutes of his voice.
"
Regina George is an evil dictator. And how do we overthrow a dictator? We cut her resources. Regina will be nothing without her resources." - Janis-Ian from "Mean Girls".
True, below are things to do the overthrow/push Khee Xuan down to his depression limit...
1. Seemingly nice voice - Khee Xuan have this perception that he sings well. Push him down by saying that it doesn't even though sometimes he
MAY sound nice, but that will happen when the clock strikes 25.00. So, what you can do to depress him is to constantly push him down by criticising his singing and voice. That will break his self-esteem and confidence.
DO keep reminding him of how his "Let It Ring!" note cracked in the secondary 2 night for Humanities in Celebration and
DON'T remind him about the applauses he got when he sang that in the Sec 3 and finale night.
NEVER remind him that he got the best actor for Humanities Nite as well, that will boost his ego up above the clouds. Believe the writer, that is worse than his singing, which is bad enough.
The subsequent points will be revealed in the second issue of "Guide to Survive Khee Xuan: The DOs and DON'Ts to Annoy Him and Vice Versa - Chapter 1: Khee Xuan - He, Him and Himself: Part 2. Watch out for the next issue!
Signing off,
Anonymous Writer GW
8/10/2004 11:01:00 PM
